


What Could've Been

by BatmanWhoLaughss



Series: Cal & Kanan [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Jedi: Fallen Order (Video Game), Star Wars: Rebellion Era - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, Childhood Memories, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Memories, Multi, Pre-Star Wars: Rebels, Reminiscing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:27:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27726149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatmanWhoLaughss/pseuds/BatmanWhoLaughss
Summary: “What about you? Has it… ever been like this?”Kanan’s face changes, and for a moment he suddenly seems like he’s impossibly far away, even though he hasn’t moved. “No,” he says, quietly. “There was… someone, once. We were just kids, and I thought we could be something, when we were older, but then the galaxy got shot to hell. That’s the closest I ever came.”-----One lazy morning on the Ghost, Kanan Jarrus remembers a boy named Cal Kestis, and all the things that could have been.
Relationships: Kanan Jarrus & Cal Kestis, Kanan Jarrus/Cal Kestis, Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Series: Cal & Kanan [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2027282
Comments: 8
Kudos: 75





	What Could've Been

**Author's Note:**

> Part 2 of my "Cal as Kanan's first love" series because I am so in love with this concept. 
> 
> Also, the story that Kanan tells here is in reference to another fic I'm in the process of writing, that should hopefully be finished soon. I love Kanan and Cal so MUCH and I love Kanan and Hera so much. Enjoy!

Hera wakes up first.

It’s still early, judging by the fact that the chrono hasn’t gone off yet, and she can’t hear Chopper puttering around the Ghost outside. She tries to move, to stretch her arms over her head, but she stops as she hears a muffled noise coming from somewhere behind her and registers a warm body pressed to hers. 

Kanan’s head rests in the crook of her neck, and his arm is looped around her waist from behind. He sighs as she stops squirming, and she can’t help but smile as she feels his lips press against her shoulder. 

“Mornin’,” Kanan mutters against her skin.

“Good morning, love.” She turns to face him, and his eyes open to bore into hers. There’s a sparkle there that she always loves, and his lips curl into a small smile.

She’s still getting used to waking up next to him. They don’t share a bed terribly often, not even after all the months they’ve been together like this. The Ghost’s bunks aren’t really made to sleep two, after all. But it makes these mornings special, and the time they get to spend together before the rest of the galaxy beckons them all the more precious. 

He rolls over to lie on his back, bones cracking as he does. He takes Hera with him, and she chuckles softly as her body winds up on top of his. Her chin is pressed against his sternum, and his smile gets bigger when they settle. “What are you so happy about?”

“What?” Kanan says, his voice still heavy with sleep. “I woke up with a beautiful woman in my bed. I’m not allowed to be happy?” 

Hera blushes. She never has a good response for the casual reverence he always uses when he talks about her, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world to call her beautiful but it’s a sacred fact at the same time. There’s a lot of things about him that she doesn’t quite know what to do with yet. 

So she rolls her eyes, trying to brush off the fluttering in her stomach by deflecting. “I would think you’d still be annoyed at that Rodian cheating us out of our money yesterday.” 

But Kanan shrugs, that soft smile still on his face as he reaches to grab her hand in both of his. “Eh. Old news. Live in the moment and all that.” 

“Right,” Hera says, laughing again.

But Kanan frowns, as his thumb brushes against the back of her hand. “You’re allowed to be happy too, y’know?” There’s a hint of sadness in his voice. “Life can’t be about fighting the Empire all the time.” 

“I am happy,” Hera says, and it’s the truth‒ closer to the full truth than she wants to admit. But before she can stop herself, she keeps going “It hasn’t ever felt like this.” 

She blushes when she realizes what she said. He  _ really  _ doesn’t need the ego boost, not when he’s already so blasted smug all the time, but instead of the smirk she expects to see, she’s surprised to see him turn away from her slightly. He’s blushing too, his face going adorably red as he hums. 

He’s seemingly at a loss for words, so to cover up the silence she squeezes his hand. “What about you? Has it… ever been like this?” She stops just short of saying  _ have you ever been in love.  _ She’s not going to say the L word, she’s  _ not _ , because saying it would bring her closer to acknowledging everything she’s not quite ready to think about yet. 

Kanan’s face changes, and for a moment he suddenly seems like he’s impossibly far away, even though he hasn’t moved. “No,” he says, quietly. “There was… someone, once. We were just kids, and I thought we could be something, when we were older, but then the galaxy got shot to hell. That’s the closest I ever came.” There’s a kind of raw honesty in his voice that he rarely shows, even in these moments, and she feels bad for inadvertently touching a nerve. But then he smiles, and the light makes his eyes shine a brilliant teal. “But it’s never been like this.”

That makes her smile too, even though he still looks a bit sad. “You don’t have to tell me,” Hera says. “But… you can, if you want.” He still doesn’t talk about his past that often. She knows the basics, the important stuff. She knows he used to be a Jedi, that he took odd jobs since the Empire took over and brawled and slept his way around the galaxy in the process, but he keeps so many of his memories hidden. It’s always a rare treat, when he chooses to share them.

Now his brow furrows, like he’s deep in thought, and his eyes get that faraway look in them again. He’s silent for so long that she thinks he isn’t going to respond, but finally his chin tucks in slightly and his eyes drop. “It was a long time ago,” he finally murmurs. Hera scoots forward so her head rests on his shoulder. Her hand is still caught in both of his. “There was this boy, back at the Temple. Cal Kestis.” 

Hera nods. He’s told her that before too‒ where his tastes in partners lie. “Before the Purge, we were friends. Best friends‒ we grew up training together.” He laughs. “We used to drive Master Obi-Wan crazy. We’d sneak out, get into trouble… kids stuff, y’know?” 

He falls silent for a moment again, and Hera kisses his shoulder. “What happened?” 

Kanan sighs. “We were… curious. Neither one of us really knew anything about… well, anything. We were like, 12 or 13 at the time, so we never actually… you know. We just awkwardly kissed and held hands and cuddled occasionally.”

Hera can’t help but chuckle. “Sounds like you were bad at following the Jedi rules even as a kid, Mr.  _ Jedi don’t have attachments.” _

“Heh,” he huffs. “Maybe I was.” Then he keeps going .“Then we got through the Initiate Trials and we were assigned to our masters. But I always thought that someday, when we were both Masters and the war ended, things could be… different. More. We could be something.” 

Hera’s face falls. They both know all too well what happened at the end of the war. “I’m so sorry, love.” 

Kanan shrugs, but he still looks sad. Wistful even. “It’s in the past. But every so often, I can’t help but wonder. Think about the ‘what ifs’ and all that, even though I know I shouldn’t.” 

Hera leans up to kiss his cheek. “Do you know what happened to him? After the Purge?”

Kanan sighs again, and his eyes still have that sad look in them. “I tried to find him, afterwards. We had a comlink that we could use to track each other, but that was dead, so I tried to planet-hop my way to the closest system to Bracca, after I split from Janus. Nothing ever panned out, so I always just assumed he was dead like the others. I remember the day I finally stopped looking‒ it was the first time I got properly drunk.” He gives Hera a rueful smile. “Start of a bad habit, I guess.” 

There’s a faint tremor in his voice, and yet again she finds her heart  _ aching _ for him. She can’t imagine ever surviving what he did and still finding ways to be happy despite everything he’s lost. That takes a kind of strength she knows she’ll never have, and she can’t help but admire him even as she hurts for him. 

She’s just about to say something when suddenly he’s smiling again, staring up at the underside of the top bunk. “And then, a couple years later, I found out he was  _ alive.  _ The whole time.” 

Hera’s eyes widen. “How? What happened?”

Kanan chuckles, but there’s no mirth in it. “The Imperials got their hands on me again. I was an hour away from execution, when this ship appears out of nowhere and Cal steps off of it, lightsaber in the air. I barely recognized him at first, but the red hair was unmistakable. His crew broke me out, and both of us just… couldn’t believe we  _ survived. _ ” 

Inexplicably, he blushes. “We did a little… making up for lost time. But after that... we parted ways.”

Hera nods. “Why?” she asks, kindly. “Where is he now?” She’s almost dreading the answer. 

“He asked me to come with him and his crew. They had a holocron‒ Cal had his ‘I need to raise a little hell instead of just hiding’ moment earlier than I did, but I still just wanted to keep my head down and forget.” He frowns again. “He asked me to stay, but… I said no. I couldn’t follow him on his crusade, so I had him drop me off… on Gorse. He gave me a transponder code if I ever wanted to find him again. I still remember it.” 

Then his smile lights up his face again, and he looks down at her. “Then, a year and a half later, you almost blew up the moon.” 

Hera bristles. “ _ I _ didn’t almost blow it up!” 

Kanan leans in to brush his lips against hers. “No. You just looked damn good while you were trying to stop it.” 

That makes her laugh. “So did you,” she says, and from the way he smirks, she knows he can read her honesty. 

Hera kisses him again, and it’s long and languid and sweet as their lips move. “Thank you for telling me, Kanan.” It still mystifies her, sometimes, that he continues to trust her, every day.

He gives her a small shrug. “I trust you,” he says, his voice low and his smile bright. 

“You know,” Hera says. “We could try and find him.”

“I wouldn’t even know where to start,” Kanan says, frowning again. “We’re both different people now. It’d be nice to know he’s still alive at least, but… that transponder code is years old by now.” 

“We could still try. Maybe we  _ should _ try.” 

“Yeah… maybe.” He’s looking at her with that small smile again, the one that always seems to go right through her. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

Hera laughed again. “You’ve told me before, love.” 

“And I’ll keep saying it,” he mutters as he leans in for another kiss, and the seriousness in his tone makes her blush again. 

Hera doesn’t ask about Cal again. She doesn’t push Kanan to try and find his friend, even though she knows it would be good for both of them to reconnect, and even though she knows it would make Kanan happy. She  _ does _ set the Ghost to permanently monitor for that transponder code, though, once Kanan gives it to her. She knows better than to try and force Kanan into something he’s not ready for, but she hopes that one day, she can bring the two of them together again. At the very least, she bets that Cal would have some pretty interesting stories to tell.

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on twitter if you wanna keep in touch! @targaryenjedii


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